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  • Writer's pictureDavid

A Guilt Trip Down Valentine Lane

Updated: Sep 21, 2022

Today I took my semi-annual glance at the calendar, and there it was! Staring me right in the face! It's almost Valentine's Day! (Named for Rudy Valentino, no doubt.) Yikes, I thought! What to drag home for Tori, to show her I care? Not meat, as might have been romantic of a cave man, (or maybe Rudy). We have plenty of meat, with a shiny new half-beef in the freezer.

But, as can happen when one thinks thunks, one think can lead to another, and I got to thinking about anniversaries. They are sort of like Valentine's Day, and are often one-and-the-same, for those who were cleaver enough to see that putting both of these days into one tidy package could save a lot of gift-giving over the years. Marry somebody born on Feb. 14, and so much the wiser. (I know. You think I misspelled “clever”, but I thought since we were cleaving out all this gift giving, "cleaver" seemed more clever.) So logically, I started to wonder what the various names of anniversaries are, and WOW! Did I get an eye opening!

Come on, though. Have I been the only one in the dark? Be honest. How many of you failed to get your sweetheart something made of bronze for your eighth, (or is it supposed to be 19th) wedding anniversary? I know I sure did, both times. And as a sculptor of bronze, I should know better! I should be out on the street corner banging pots and pans about this bronze anniversary thing! My business would soar! Like a bronze dirigible.

But in fact, until I looked it up, I never knew there was such thing as a bronze anniversary. I guess I knew that third place in the Olympics gets you a bronze medal. I knew of the silver anniversary, like in the Olympics, too. You know, 2nd place, which, though not a winner, is pretty darned good. And the golden anniversary, 1st place for sticking it out fifty years! I vaguely knew of the platinum anniversary. I guess that is like getting more than a 4.0 on your GPA, (which is among the several billion things I’ve never understood). I even think I’ve heard of a paper anniversary, which I assume, given its placement on the list, is more often than not, a wedding nullification certificate, or maybe just asking the waiter to give the dinner check to your spouse. But I learned so much new stuff to share, that I can assure you, you will want to click away before you get to the end of this little gem of a blog post!

There is a leather anniversary, a wood anniversary, and even an aluminum anniversary! Can you imagine giving your sweetheart something made of aluminum for your tenth anniversary? A box of foil? A hard hat? A beer can? A pair of aluminum underpants? I had no idea how many anniversary gifts I’ve neglected to consider over the years! The only one I’m fairly confident I’ve ever gotten for Tori was the wooden anniversary gift, which is supposed to be for your fifth anniversary. By now we have celebrated that, many times over. I’m almost sure

that at some point I've given her a two by six. Most of my gifts have been made of wood, as they were cheap. Like me, it appears, after studying this list of rules and regulations for anniversary gifting.

But now I know the evil of my ways, and somebody is going to have to pay! I suppose that somebody is me…I was fine until I googled “names of anniversaries”. I guess the prudent thing is to start at the beginning and just give Tori back-dated anniversary gifts. One every Friday until I’m caught up, (or get caught. Some of these gifts might be kind of rich for my blood, like pearls! But if I do have to resort to theft, and I do get caught, I assure you, I’ll be giving Tori my one allowed phone call, for our phone call anniversary.)

Anyway, for our paper anniversary I’m going to give her a box of Kleenex tissues for the tears of joy she will cry as she realizes all the loot headed her way! For our cotton anniversary I suppose it ought to be a decent dish cloth, (since I’m saving underwear for our tenth anniversary). Our dish cloths are horrible. Leather. Well, I've seen through the windows of those leather shops. Hmm...we will have to see about that one. For our linen anniversary, I guess a packet of flax seed. Wood, I’ve taken care of, as you know. For our iron anniversary, I guess, get her an iron. An iron is an iron.

By now, you must be realizing I wasn’t kidding about your clicking away! We are only up to our 7th anniversary, that being the copper anniversary. And Tori and I have had 41 anniversaries! So for our copper anniversary, I think a shiny new penny would be okay. I know, these days they are made of zinc, and are only copper plated, but I’m trying to hold the cost down for those pearls, you know.

This brings us to our bronze anniversary! I got Tori (and me) 1000 pounds of bronze ingots this winter! I’ll bring one of those into the house and put it on the wood stove! They weigh about

twelve to fifteen pounds each, a good solid gift, and are handsomely shaped (like an ingot). Okay, (insert shameless marketing riff here) so this is where the shameless marketing comes in…How many of you bought your spouse a bronze wedding anniversary gift? I think I hear pots and pans banging in the street…Nope, it’s in the kitchen. But that is good. I’m getting hungry. Maybe Tori will give me a gift of meat for our meat anniversary! And I can give her that clever cleaver I was talking about!

So, anyway, here we are up to the ninth anniversary. That is supposed to be the pottery anniversary. Tori could use a good pottery! I’ve got several Fridays to gather up a nice pottery pot!

I know you were hoping I’d forgot, but the aluminum underwear anniversary is not going to go away by itself! I’m glad I’ve got ten Fridays to hammer these out! And it isn’t such a bad idea, now that I think about it! No wash loads. Just rinse them off in the sink! I’ve got an old stick of 4 inch aluminum irrigation pipe, that with a bit of cutting and pounding and welding, would make a wonderful pair of underwear!

Okay, okay…Steel. Silk. Lace. Ivory. Crystal. Then nothing at all between the16th and 19th anniversary, which is where we see, again, the alternative bronze anniversary. For some reason, (and I swear it was not my shameless marketing division that provided this “fact”), bronze occurs twice on my googled list of wedding anniversaries. (So too does gold.)

Are you tired yet, of all this? I am. But the good thing is, that after your twentieth anniversary, the named anniversaries are only on five-year-intervals. Silver, pearl, and I don’t remember. On up to gold, of course, and a bit beyond. The last anniversary that I saw listed is the 90th, or the “stone anniversary”, which seems a bit grim. I guess we are talking tomb stone here, because there is no name for a 95th anniversary, or 100th. If someone stays married for 95, or 100 years, they might as well start over at paper and cotton. And, I guess that is “fitting” enough. Here we are back at underwear. It is all but a sure thing that by the time we are talking being married for 95 years, we are also probably talking Depends, and I think they are made of paper and cotton.

I realize now, I have all but ignored art! And my blog is about art. But wait a minute. I’m being tapped on the shoulder by the head of my shameless marketing division. Perhaps some new facts have come to light. Something about bronze.

Oh, yes! Bronze underpants! …..Anyone?….Anyone?

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